Humor U Mad Libs Contest Entry Instructions

Win an iPod! Mad Libs Contest entry rules and instructions are here. Good luck!

1. Complete the word list below and email it to humoru@byu.edu.
2. Include your name when you email us, and put "CONTEST" in the subject line.
3. Buy a ticket for one of our shows this weekend and come (must be present to win).
4. Tell your friends about this contest so they can enter too.
5. Listen for your completed mad lib to be read at one of the shows (it doesn't matter what show you come to).
6. If your mad lib is read as a winner, come running and screaming onto the stage after we announce your name and claim your new iPod.

Here is the word list (consult the internet if you need a grammar refresher):

[imperative verb]
[adjective]
[preposition]
[noun]
[noun].
[imperative verb]
[imperative verb]
[possessive pronoun]
[verb]
[adverb],
[second person pronoun]
[noun used as adjective]
[transitive verb]
[noun]
[plural noun]
[plural noun]
[verb]
[noun]
[noun]
[adjective].
[transitive verb]
[color]
[popular noun]
[nonsense syllable]

Good luck!

November Charity Show

The start time for some of our shows has changed. Correct start times for the shows are:

Friday 8:00pm & 9:30pm
Saturday 8:00pm

The times printed on the tickets are correct.

October Show

Tickets are on sale now for five shows this weekend. Pete will wear a costume. Someone will dance. And someone will pee their pants. It always happens, but no one talks about it. Only here on the blogosphere can we mention things like that.

"Best of Spring/Summer" Show

It's what you've been missing all summer.

Summer Show

All four shows will be in the Measer Building

EFY Themes and 80s Pop Songs

Every year throughout the summer the LDS church organizes weeklong conferences for kids between the ages of 14 and 18. These conferences are called "Especially for Youth" (or "EFY" for short) and are held on college campuses throughout the country, including BYU.

The organizers of EFY choose a new theme each year that the activities and speakers will focus on. These themes range from the profound ("Treasure the Truth") to the downright strange ("Lovin' Life"). I've noticed that many of the themes sound strangely similar to popular songs from the 1980s.

Below is a partial list of EFY themes including the year they were used and an 80s song that I think is interchangeable with that particular theme. The links go to youtube videos in case you are unfamiliar with the songs.

1982 The Time Has Come = "The Final Countdown" by Europe
1983 Ascending Together = "Up Where We Belong"by Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker
1987 Sailin' Home = "Sailing" by Christopher Cross
1989 Forever, My Friend = "Together Forever" by Rick Astley
1991 Walk With Me = "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles
1992 Of One Heart = "Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette
2001 Remember the Promise = "The Promise" by When In Rome
2002 We Believe = "We Belong" by Pat Benetar
2003 Look and Live = "The Look of Love" by ABC
2004 Stand in the Light = "Stand" by R.E.M.
2005 A More Excellent Way = "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith f. Run DMC
2006 The Greatest Gift = "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston
2007 Power in Purity = "Like a Virgin" by Madonna
2008 Steady and Sure = "Like a Rock" by Bob Seger
2009 Be Thou and Example = "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell

--Matt Stringham

Are you excited?

The new 2009-2010 show schedule is coming! The dates have been selected, the requests have been red stamped, and the venues have been scheduled. The schedule will be posted by August. We don't want to give too much away this early, we still have our Summer Show to be excited about. July 31st and August 1st in the Maeser Auditorium.

How to kill @ an open mic

As one of the newest members of Humor U I thought I'd take a break from studying for finals and drop some knowledge on how to kill @ an open mic. FYI "to kill" is comedy slang meaning to do well, and have the crowd laughing. Humor U does not condone violence.

I'm one of the few members of the club who had to auditon in an open mic. Due to the increasing popularity of the club, open mics are now the method used to become a member. Here are some of the things that brought me success.

1. Try out your material before getting on stage.

I feel like I have a pretty good feel for what is going to be funny, but I would never get on stage in front of a large audience without running my jokes by some friends first. No, your parents, 4 year old sibling, and significant other don't count, they will laugh at everything you say. At the last open mic it was clear that some comedians had not done this.

2. Break out of the BYU cliches

Whenever I hear someone start a joke with; "One time I had this craaaaaaazy companion," or "What's the deal with church/sacrament meeting/something Mormon," they tend to lose my interest. Of course you have to know your audience, and at times I have told jokes on these topics. But you have to consider that if you are telling a joke about one of these topics there is a good chance some variation of it has been done before, so it'd better be unique and very funny.

Even when I'm telling jokes about things on campus, I form them in a way that I could potentially replace a few words and tell them to a non-BYU audience.

3. Watch some stand-up or read about how to write jokes

This point can best be explained with a TRUE story. The other day I was at a party, and some guy came up to me and said that he wants to try out for Humor U. I asked him if I could hear some of his stuff. He proceeded to tell me a joke that included his life story, various mathematical equations, and a commentary on some political issue, then he ended with a corny and irrelevant punch line like; "that's why you should never put a fork in an electrical outlet kids!"

I'm no expert, in fact I'm pretty new to stand up, but a joke should have a short set up and then a punch line that actually has something to do with the topic. Watch some stuff on youtube and practice your delivery before an open mic.

I'll end with a little on how my experience went. There were around 20 comics who auditioned. I did my 3 minute set, and it killed. A few of my friends were there, and one of them told me that as he was leaving he overheard people saying; "Man, that black dude was hilarious! He could really tell jokes!" I was the only black dude who tried out, so I assume it was me they were talking about, haha. I don't want to come across as prideful, because frankly I'm pretty new at all this. But if you do all of the above you will probably do well. The next open mic is September 16th. Good luck!

-Lam Guluka

Spring Shows

June 5th and 6th in the Nelke Theater. Be there. Friday 8:00 and 9:30pm. Saturday 8:00pm. Tickets: $4 at the Wilk Info Desk, $5 at the door. Come see our new performers, and your old favorites too. Don't miss Jefferson Snow's new song.

Preliminary evidence consistent with possible health benefits of Humor U shows

I don't toot my own horn much, but I think this week's show (Saturday 11 April 7:30 and 9:00 pm Pardoe Theater) is the perfect opportunity for people to either start attending or continue to attend Humor U shows.

Sometimes we exaggerate things to get a reaction (case in point: working title of this post was "Humor U show to cure all ills"), but when we say "Best of Ever," we mean it. I challenge anyone to scour all of recorded history to find jokes that I've written that form a funnier set than the jokes I'll tell that night. If you think you've found a set of my jokes that might be funnier than what I'll tell, please email them to me ASAP (I've been wrong before. . .)

I know if you read this, you probably already know about the show (or you're a web-crawling robot, in which case I guess you probably also already know about the show (depending where you've crawled)), but if you don't know about the show, well I mean, you do know because I've been talking about it for 3 paragraphs. If you don't understand, maybe you should re-read those paragraphs before moving on.

In conclusion, go to the show that you know about.

Big Giant "Best of Ever" Show this Saturday

In case you haven't heard. This weekend will be the biggest Humor U show ever ever ever. It's so big we had to cut the sides off of it in order to fit it through the door. Some Humor U performers will be graduating, so this will be the last time to see them with the club. Sad day. But that just means that we will have even more fun at this show. Stephen Jones will MC so there will be plenty of craziness. We are trying to figure out a way to get him to fly in from the ceiling while smoke rises from the ground and lasers sweep across the stage. But we're kind of on a fixed budget, so maybe he'll just dance. The show is Sat 4/11 at 7:30 and 9:00pm in the Pardoe Theater. Tickets are $3 at the Info Desk and $4 at the door.

Jasper Martin - Biography

Jasper Martin in Greek mythology is the king of the gods, the ruler of Mount Olympus and the god of the sky and thunder. His symbols are the thunderbolt, eagle, bull, and oak. In addition to his Indo-European inheritance, the classical "cloud-gatherer" also derives certain iconographic traits from the cultures of the ancient Near East, such as the scepter. Jasper is frequently depicted by Greek artists in one of two poses: standing, striding forward, with a thunderbolt leveled in his raised right hand, or seated in majesty.

Jasper was the child of Cronus and Rhea, and the youngest of his siblings. In most traditions he was married to Hera. He was the father of many godly and heroic offspring, including Athena, Apollo and Artemis, Hermes, Persephone, Dionysus, Perseus, Heracles, Helen, Minos, and the Muses.

Peter Kern - Biography

Peter Kern was born the day after Thanksgiving in suburban Massachussetts. He spent his childhood country-hopping through Europe before finally settling down with his family in Sandy, UT. Even though this is supposed to be a humorous biography that part is true. Six years in Belgium, one year in France, and two years in Germany. Adjusting to life in the States wasn't easy for Peter because in Europe, it is okay to kiss boys. Not like, on the lips or anything, but even so, that certainly didn't fly in Utah. I mean, talk about an uncultured bunch, its a sign of affection and friendship you homophobes! After overcoming the initial culture shock, Peter set himself to climbing the social ladder, one rung at a time. It took 6 long hard years but by ninth grade, he was on top of the world. Churchill Jr. High hasn't been the same since.

Peter enrolled in a local high school where he strove to forge out an identity. He started a dodge ball league with some associates that received media attention and caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits at Jordan School District. He was school mascot (The Bengal) for several games until his unique performance style caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits at Jordan School District. He was suspended once for kicking his high school librarian and yea, you guessed it, it caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits at Jordan School District. He was elected "Most Ahead of his Time" by himself but was outbid at the charity fund raising auction when bidding on a page in the yearbook and so no one else was ever aware of that. His popularity reached a peak two weeks before graduation when he was featured on the 5 O'clock channel 5 news about his upcoming performance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and later when he actually was featured on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, where he was the first person ever to compete on the recurring segment "Does This Impress Ed Asner?" Despite a controversy in the editing room, he is pretty sure Ed Asner was impressed with his signature double recorder playing. Upon returning, people who had once scorned and spurned Peter, mourned bitterly, as almost everyone pretended like they had some claim at being his friend.

At BYU Peter's career was no less distinguished. He won the highly prestigious Mr. DT competittion his freshman year and after a two year religion related hiatus in Montreal where he learned French and Spanish, was first runner up in the first ever Mr. BYU competition. He has walked to the State Capitol from Sandy in protest, has gone a week eating nothing but bananas, attempted to spend 24 hours in an elevator in protest of Deseret Tower's unfair treatment of blow-up castle users, which predictably caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits in the Deseret Towers (you know who you are Jay Brown!). He was a paper-boy for 7 years, spent a summer working at Camp Tracy, another laying sod, another painting houses and working at Cold Stone Creamery, another telemarketing for CMS, another as a receptionist at Great Clips, he had a stint as a bagger/courtesy clerk at Dan's Foods, and was once a food server in the Morris Center. He is currently living off campus, studying French and Spanish as an undergraduate and working in the Math Department. He is the Math Club President, one of the newest members of HumorU and recently tied for first place in the very unprestigious Superbowl of Comedy.

Even though this is supposed to be a humorous biography, all of this has been true.

Devan Butler - Biography

My favorite part of doing stand-up besides the political reasons, is making people laugh at things that I think are funny. My favorite show moment was the first Winter '09 show when people had hand stand fights to win a T-shirt - it was awesome. I actually think of most of my jokes in the shower which is why I hope I never go to prison. I am a Media Arts major which I love to death... well almost. I recently broke my skull playing intramural basketball, which doesn't happen too much. I think hugs are great and have been told that I am a fantastic hugger, so if you see me and need a hug I am willing. My middle name is Lavar like that guy from Reading Rainbow, always wanted to be on that show but no one took my word for it. I love to travel, last summer I spent a month in Thailand and this summer I plan on back packing all the way from Panama to Torreon Mexico. Stand-up is just incredible, I am constantly amazed at the geniuses in Humor U and am proud to be a part of such a charitable organization.

Stephen Jones - Biography

Stephen is chocolate, but he likes vanilla.

James Archibald - Biography

James was born in Provo, UT. He has lived in Indiana, Florida, Texas, Pennsylvania, Mexico and Israel. His life has now come nearly full circle since he currently resides in Provo, UT. He hopes to die in the infant ward of the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center so that the circle can be truly complete.

When James was still young, he found out that he was illiterate. "I worked really hard to overcome that; I hope that in a small way I can inspire some illiterate youngsters not to allow society to define them by their illiteracy" he says. "If there is one thing I want illiterate children to get out of this bio, it's that they shouldn't be discouraged, despite not being able to read these words, or even find them."

He found out he was funny when he wet his pants in kindergarten. "My classmates just couldn't stop laughing and I knew that I liked to make people laugh." After several years of service as his signature bit, James retired the pants-wetting gag. James says "I still try to write stuff that's funny on that level."

He keeps a blog. The most recent post is rapidly gaining historical interest. He joined Humor U after one of the comedians suggested that he repackage some of his blog ideas and deliver them as jokes. Upon hearing these jokes, the other comedians suggested that James not get discouraged and that he read a book about how to be a stand-up comedian.

James usually doesn't tell people how good at school he is, but just to give you an idea:

[rambly] This one time, he was doing homework and he was doing so well that he thought he would show it to this dog. The dog was so impressed with how well James had done his homework that he wanted to eat the homework.

James was like "no way,"
but the dog was like "I want to eat it so badly"
and James is like "just a little bit might be ok"

and then the dog was like "munch munch munch. . .this homework is delicious!"
and James was like "oh no, now I have nothing to turn in and only this dog and I know how good this homework was"
and then James asked the dog if he would vouch for him and the dog was like "bark bark bark."

You just can't trust dogs like you used to.

Lucas Simplicio - Biography

Born in the jungles of Brazil, Lucas had to fight to survive. At a young age he learned how to kill alligators with his bare hands. Lucas' jungle upbringing gave him abilities above and beyond those of ordinary humans. These abilities include climbing, clinging, and leaping as well as any great ape, as well as walking on all fours exceptionally well, despite his human frame. His senses are enhanced; he is able to smell food or poachers at least two thirds of a mile away, and hear approaching stampedes from two. He can read body language exceptionally well. He is an excellent judge of character. His strength, speed, agility, reflexes, balance, flexibility, reaction time, and swimming abilities are much better than normal. He has wrestled full grown bull apes and gorillas, rhinos, crocodiles, anacondas, sharks, big cats and even dinosaurs.

In his real life Lucas enjoys playing soccer, tennis and Volleyball. Living in the US now for 6 years he has developed a love for the game of American Football, his favorite team is the New England Patriots.
He also likes to watch movies and TV. His favorite TV shows are CSI, Las Vegas, 24, The Hills, Bromance, I Love Money, Brett Michals Rock of Love. His favorite place to be is the beach, he loves it and that is what he misses the most living out here in Utah. He likes to surf when he is at the beach and off course he loves to stare at the women too.

Lucas had a two year vocation in Boston, Massachusetts where he learned how to speak Spanish. Portuguese is his first language and he learned english at age 15 when he was a foreign exchange student at Timpanogos High School. His comedy influences are in the US Bill Engval, Brian Regan, Jeff Foxworthy, Carlos Mencia, and James Litllejohn. In Brazil his dad, Danilo Gentilli, Fabio Rabin, Vesgo e Silvio e Seu Lunga.

I hope you enjoy this wonderful, charismatic and goofy Brazilian from Recife.

Brent Taylor - Biography

Upon arriving home from his mission, Jefferson Snow thought he should take up yet another talent he hoped would provide more validation and social success than his previous pursuits. In middle school it was art which he hoped would win the hearts of his classmates. But little did he know that monsters and dragons weren't as cool as they had been in elementary school. But he loved drawing them anyway and kept on until high school. There he learned to play the guitar and write songs. But no matter how much he sang about girls, his whining never brought him any. Nevertheless, he kept on rocking. His music, never really went anywhere in college. No local venues would listen to his demos or host his musical projects. So, persuaded by a childhood friend and desperate for an audience for his creative outlets, he decided to try his hand at stand-up and voila, a new talent was discovered. His first show was in April 2007 where he made a good first impression with the audience. Feeling good about his potential in the medium, he continued writing and secured a spot as a continuing performer in the club. No social doors have swung open to him as a result of Humor U, no girls have come knocking, no deals for fame and fortune have been offered but Jefferson will once again keep going, keep writing, striving to make every show as funny as he can, all while knowing he may never receive anything in return.

Jeffrey Schroeder - Biography

While shark spear-hunting with a few Inuit friends, I stumbled on a few truths that I found funny. Somehow my Inuit friends did not share my merriment, so I packed my things and came to Provo. While here I found many other people who did not share my merriment (old folks homes are rough crowds), until I at last found Humor U. Humor U is full of other people with weird ideas about everything from world issues to the lint in their belly buttons. I knew when I attended my first show on a date that I had found a place where I could be welcome.

I infiltrated the club by means of a grassroots subversive movement that ended up with the death of several key comedians and my emerging as Humor U President for a year. At the end of that year I was poisoned by degrees and my doctor said that if I continued I would likely not see the end of 2008.

I am now a friend to the club bordering on comedian. While I graduate in 2009, expect a few more Inuit jokes before it's all over.

James Littlejohn - Biography

James Littlejohn started in comedy at the age of seven, when he was hired to write puns for America's Funniest Home Videos. He quickly grew disenchanted and left after a feud with the producers over artistic differences. Out of comedy, he become head bouncer at Chuck E. Cheese and flirted with gang life.

"They were difficult years," Littlejohn recalls. "In hindsight, they were actually the best years though. I'm pretty sure I think I remember learning a lot about myself."

At BYU, Littlejohn joined Humor U, nearly driving it into the ground multiple times.

"I felt the club should completely focus on jokes about diseases," he says. "I was wrong. The profanity and drug abuse didn't help either. But we bounced back -- that's what we do. That's what we've always done."

Littlejohn is still a bouncer -- a bouncer-backer.

or

James Littlejohn's Bio 100

I started as a one-celled zygote. As predetermined by my genetic composition, I then turned into a fish-like embryo. For a short period in the womb I even had gills. Nutrified, I developed into a fetus and eventually busted out into the real world. I have the normal number of chromosomes, but an extra leg. I could have it removed, but it has become my comfort limb. From 2 until 10, my bones grew and so did my hair; then I hit adolescence and they really started to grow.

Christopher Johnson - Biography

Christopher was inspired to write comedy in junior high after watching a fellow student slice off his own finger in wood shop class. He spends most of his time trying to determine which species of tree is plotting world domination.

Christopher also has freakish interest in leather work, the musical recorder, and French cheeses. He has mild interest in hot sauce. He recently purchased his weight in IBM-logo flip-flops.

If Christopher had three wishes from a genii, then he would wish for being "ethnic." After that he would announce retirement from wish-making. After a two-month hiatus Christopher would return, signing a 12-month contract with the New York Jets, after which he would fail to lead the Jets to the playoffs three years in a row.

Nathan Tate - Biography

Nate Tate was one of the VERY few people to be in attendance at the very first Humor U club meeting and perform at the very first Humor U show. Someday he'll speak at firesides and talk about how he remembers how it all started. Elder Tate is currently serving a mission in Argentina. He is very excited to return in glory to BYU and start dating all his Humor U groupies who are so anxious for him to reach RM status.

Tanner Kay - Biography

Tanner Kay is probably somebody's favorite comedian, but we haven't figured out who yet because they won't admit to it. He told his first joke in Primary as a Sunbeam. It made the kid next to him laugh, and began over a decade of getting kicked out of Primary and Sunday school. While many people are amused by Tanner's humor, he's usually the only one laughing at his own jokes. On an occassion, Tanner laughed so hard at his own joke that he shot a pea AND a carrot out of his nose. Needless to say his doctor does not approve of his participation in this club.

But don't be fooled by his funny moments, Tanner has a super grumpy alter ego that he developed in college named Church Boy - probably a backlash from his irreverent youth. Church Boy doesn't tolerate laughing, smiling, or anything fun. If you like to pass notes in Sunday School - watch out! Church Boy will burn you with his laser beam look of scorn. This is probably why he isn't married.

One really hot August day on a roadtrip through southern Utah Tanner dreamed up a crazy idea to start a stand-up comedy club at BYU. He was obviously suffering from heat stroke and severe dehydration. But an amazing thing happened, and out of nothing more than boredom, southern Utah heat, and too much free time - Humor U was born.

If you get low like Flo-Rida. . .

Jasper told a joke and I now complete it 25 different ways:

I am going to celebrate good times like Kool and the Gang.

I am going to live and let die like Paul McCartney.

I am going to dislike your girlfriend like Avril Lavigne.

I am going to refuse to attend rehab like Amy Winehouse.

I am going to [inaudible] like Jimmy Eat World.

I am going to crave your body like the guy who sings James Littlejohn's signature intro music.

I am going to clean the house, and shop at the store so I won’t have to work until Monday like abnormally conscientious primary children.

I am going to [inaudible, but with subtitles] like Weird Al doing a parody of Nirvana.

I am going to make a joke about BYU students getting engaged after a brief courtship like Divine Comedy.

i am going to stop using capitalization like e. e. cummings.

I am going to brush my clothes, shine my shoes, trim my nails, and shampoo my hair so I can be ready for Sunday like primary children who subscribe to an ultra-orthodox, near-Pharisaical view of appropriate Sabbath activities.

I am going to assault you with technically impressive riffs in bizarre time signatures that are impenetrable, esoteric and exhausting like Dream Theater.

I am going to make another joke about BYU students getting engaged after a brief courtship like Divine Comedy.

I am going to learn more and more about responsibility and let you put the blame on me like Akon even though I should note that actually the blame should be on you, the management of club Zen, the father of that young girl, Verizon wireless, . . .

I am going to crack a joke about emo like everyone who doesn't like emo.

I am going to mourn the loss of my dog like country musicians in that other joke Jasper tells.

I am going to make music that is historically significant but impossible to enjoy like Schoenberg.

Within a day or two I'm gonna track you down and pull a [censored] [censored]. Ain't no place you [censored] can hide. . . like MJG.

I am going to have romantic feelings for a person like. . .c'mon you know the song?

I am going to refer to Divine Comedy one more time because I am envious of their name recognition and the overall strength of their brand like Humor U.

i m going 2 stop using standard english like all modern, young americans.

I am going to suggest that light is quantized, explain the photo-electric effect, develop special and general relativity, propose experiments to verify these theories, explain Brownian motion, invent widely-accepted notations, make major contributions to quantum statistical mechanics, become an effective advocate of various causes and become a world-renowned celebrity-scientist whose name is synonymous with brilliance like Einstein.

Too Many Resolutioners

So I went to the gym the first week after the holiday break, there was a sea of people - most of them there for the same reason as me, because of a new years resolution. Who am I kidding? I'm not going to be here in March. I got on the treadmill and it scrolled a message to me, "You weren't here in December. The guy waiting behind you was. Get off." I guess the gym figured out that the other resolutioners and I are only gonna be here for a month to inconvenience everyone else. I'm kind of glad, now I don't have to come up with an excuse in March.

Humor U is cool

I love Humor U.  I feel like it is a real club, like the way a club should be.  Where all the members know, respect and love each other, you enjoy doing things together, and you look forward to getting together on Wednesdays to comedy jam.  Last weekend was a blast.  I hope we keep doing things that way, even though I got a ticket that I am hoping Humor U will pay for.  Thanks to everyone who came out to support and to all my brothers getting on the mic, you rock!  I love you all.

Tickets for Tonight

Lots of people are asking. So here is the deal. There are 50 tickets left for the 9:30 show and they will go on sale in front of the Varsity Theater at 7:00pm tonight. So come early to get a ticket and then come back later for the 9:30 show. We don't know how fast they will sell out, but they will.

Governorship of California---So Easy, Even a Barbarian Can Do it

4th Show Added - Sat at 9:30 in the Varsity

So many people wanted to come we had to add a 4th show. All our comedians will be extra sexy in the 4th show - it's Saturday night! Tickets are available now at the Info Desk.

Feb 6th and 7th

More regular than a grandma on Metamucil - right on schedule Humor U puts out another high fiber show:

8:00 and 9:30 in the MSRB on Friday
8:00 in the VARTH on Saturday

Don't miss James Archibald's amazing feat of telling 30 one liners in a row while handcuffed and suspended upside down underwater.

"We are so vogue" - Brent Taylor

My 2nd missed Humor U rehearsal

I missed Humor U rehearsal tonight. Last week it was due to a work meeting. This week it was due to homework, and then I realized that I have joined the ranks of the other Humor U alumni--I no longer "miss" rehearsals, I simply don't go anymore. Not that I don't miss being there, I'm just saying no one expects people who don't go to rehearsals to go.

Anyway, for those alumni we have out there, let us close our eyes just for a moment Wednesdays at 8pm and exude comedy thoughts out towards Provo in that little Maeser room.

Viva la Humor U.

Bail Me Out

I have problems. One of which is that my car is American, or actually that is isn't. Last week my girlfriend, who happens to speak French, informed me that Mazdas are foreign cars; in fact, they are Asian. This doesn't just explain the leg-room, it hurts my patriotism. You see, I buy American. I plow in a John Deere, eat breakfast at Taco Bell and prefer Freedom Waffles to the Belgian version.

I hear the Auto Industry is about to collapse, which will have far-reaching consequences including a decline in home attendance at Detroit Red Wings games. I'm as much to blame as anyone -- I should have seen through the Mazda dealer's deceptive dealership placement (in America) and realized it wasn't an American machine. My tax money should help and so should yours.

Let me get something straight, I don't support this simply because I don't pay taxes -- I support this because I believe in poorly managed American business. I am involved in a number of them myself.

For example, we should give more attention to struggling pyramid schemes. As the unemployment rate has risen, the pyramids have flattened. I'm bleeding, and the revolutionary hand-sanitizer I can provide associates at wholesale prices can't help because, as the instructions state, it should never be used on open-wounds. I'm in a freaking money pit, and it's not my fault -- the product is great, the price is great, and the sales tactics are ethical. The Asian and European pyramid schemes are simply out-performing my own. Even I admit that they may be better; it's that simple. Egyptians -of all people- have cornered the pyramid market, successfully dominated the miracle-juice segment with "Nile-Magic." It's a very fine product. And now I need a miracle to stay afloat to sell my juice and sanitizer stuff. Frankly, the only reliable miracle source I can find is that "Nile-Magic" so I keep buying it -- but it isn't helping me compete.

I'd like to be reimbursed. How can I be expected to compete with other products when they are better than my own?

Bail Me Out. Only then, can I start to bail out America.

If You Cry About Letters, Never Watch Sesame Street

I know I can be a little bit abrasive sometimes, but I don't really feel bad for making a girl at the copy center cry the other day. She confronted me while I was printing fliers for a show. She was upset about the use of the letter "U" in our club name. She made a point of telling me in an "I know with every fiber of my being" kind of tone, that she had a lot of school spirit, and so she would NEVER use the letter "U" in the name of anything. She must have been a freshman because she obviously hasn't learned to spell BY"U" yet. She informed me that the University of Utah has a "U" in it's name, therefore BYU must avoid all use of the letter "U" in order to prevent being identified as a Ute lover and an apostate. Wow! This girl needs more homework if she has enough time to worry about stuff like this, and also to help her learn to spell acronyms like BYU.

In case you aren't familiar with what a double entendre is - "Humor U" is an example. The "U" has two meanings. First, you, as in "humor you". Second, university, as in "humor university".