Saturday, February 21, 2009

If you get low like Flo-Rida. . .

Jasper told a joke and I now complete it 25 different ways:

I am going to celebrate good times like Kool and the Gang.

I am going to live and let die like Paul McCartney.

I am going to dislike your girlfriend like Avril Lavigne.

I am going to refuse to attend rehab like Amy Winehouse.

I am going to [inaudible] like Jimmy Eat World.

I am going to crave your body like the guy who sings James Littlejohn's signature intro music.

I am going to clean the house, and shop at the store so I won’t have to work until Monday like abnormally conscientious primary children.

I am going to [inaudible, but with subtitles] like Weird Al doing a parody of Nirvana.

I am going to make a joke about BYU students getting engaged after a brief courtship like Divine Comedy.

i am going to stop using capitalization like e. e. cummings.

I am going to brush my clothes, shine my shoes, trim my nails, and shampoo my hair so I can be ready for Sunday like primary children who subscribe to an ultra-orthodox, near-Pharisaical view of appropriate Sabbath activities.

I am going to assault you with technically impressive riffs in bizarre time signatures that are impenetrable, esoteric and exhausting like Dream Theater.

I am going to make another joke about BYU students getting engaged after a brief courtship like Divine Comedy.

I am going to learn more and more about responsibility and let you put the blame on me like Akon even though I should note that actually the blame should be on you, the management of club Zen, the father of that young girl, Verizon wireless, . . .

I am going to crack a joke about emo like everyone who doesn't like emo.

I am going to mourn the loss of my dog like country musicians in that other joke Jasper tells.

I am going to make music that is historically significant but impossible to enjoy like Schoenberg.

Within a day or two I'm gonna track you down and pull a [censored] [censored]. Ain't no place you [censored] can hide. . . like MJG.

I am going to have romantic feelings for a person like. . .c'mon you know the song?

I am going to refer to Divine Comedy one more time because I am envious of their name recognition and the overall strength of their brand like Humor U.

i m going 2 stop using standard english like all modern, young americans.

I am going to suggest that light is quantized, explain the photo-electric effect, develop special and general relativity, propose experiments to verify these theories, explain Brownian motion, invent widely-accepted notations, make major contributions to quantum statistical mechanics, become an effective advocate of various causes and become a world-renowned celebrity-scientist whose name is synonymous with brilliance like Einstein.