Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Future traffic--you read it here first


I heard there was going to be a lot of blog traffic once Humor U announces that information about fan contests will be found on the blog.

I'd like our reading public to know that I plan to post after those traffic-generating posts are made. Nothing helps people read your post like having to scroll through the whole thing to get to the information they want.

That is my plan. You are my victim. This is my last obscure post.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Rare Poem

Anonymous is a mystery to all of us. Very little is known of his (or her) origins or history. All that is known is that Anonymous is nothing short of the most brilliant poet in history. We were lucky enough to procure this poem when a good friend was rummaging through his sister’s old high school backpack. Through unknown means, these handwritten poems, written by Anonymous, made their way into her old English notebook. They are quite unlike any other poems written by Anonymous, but who are we to question one of the greatest writers ever.

Hey Megan
by Anonymous

Hey Megan,
What happened last weekend? I thought you and Eric were hitting it off.
Are you still mad about the conversation at Mcdonald’s last week? For the last time, we were both kidding.
Besides, it’s not like Tammy even knows [much] about soccer anyway. And you’re way more popular than she’ll ever be.
Hello!?! Fat thighs! Anyway, call me QT.

Premises that never made it

Devan here. Let's start with the obvious how much I love you all. I have been doing stand-up comedy since 2007. What a ride it has been. For those of you who know me this should not be a surprise, there are some joke premises I have never been able to perform at BYU. My post here is going to list my favorite joke premises I either never developed or was not permitted to perform at BYU. Give me your feedback I would love to hear your favorites or how you think a premise should go. Who knows you may give me the inspiration to perform it in the next show. I am going through 4 years of notes here so these premises will be all over the place. Here you go...

-How I try to base my life around the Rocky movies. Want to propose at the zoo in front of the tigers.
-Wake up and forget I have a bellybutton, think its an injury
-How walking is America's favorite exercise... How lazy & pathetic
-Overweight nutrition teacher gave me a C?
-I would do anything for love, but I won't do crack.
-Only allergy is to allergy medicine
-I go to an exercise class that is 1/2 hour of abs, or marriage prep as I call it.
-How preventing gay marriage is actually preserving the gay culture.
-Think of most my jokes in the shower, which is why I hope I never go to prison.
- Learn to tap dance solely to one up people when I am losing an argument.
-Eienstein wasn't that smart, just didn't know how to take an insult, great job Eienstein...
-Favorite song to kiss to is the Jurassic Park theme song.
-Love it when they have foam soap in restrooms, washing hands was a good idea.
- Character, the infertile polygamist.
-Went to McDonalds in Mexico... All employee' s were white.
-Hugging the wrong mom as a kid.
-Character, the lavish Jew
-Character, heath conscious 4 year old.
-They should put more picnic benches in cemeteries.
-Wasted the money I was saving on Lasik eye surgery on an HDTV.
-Things Bob Barker taught me, (how he breeds purebred greyhounds)
- When Russians or Middle Easterns speak in their language then speak English with a British accent.
-Home schooled at a homeless shelter.

So there you go. If you are still reading I congratulate you and look forward to your comments.
Much love,
Devan Lavar Butler

Do You Ever Feel Like A Plastic Bag?

Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Please answer in the comments. We are conducting a focus group for Katy Perry's songwriters.

Monday, March 28, 2011

April Show

Hey everyone, Kyle Jepson here--ya know, one of the married people Josh was just ranting about. Anyway, this is my last semester at BYU (not because I got married: I'm graduating in about a month), so our show on April 9th will probably be my last. Ya see, we here at HumorU have had several long hearts-to-hearts, and we've decided that alumni should probably move on to make room for the up-and-coming BYU comedians. We had an open mic night last week, and it was pretty fantastic, so you should definitely come to this show: it'll be the last for some of us and a first for others and a rockin' awesome this-stuff-just-keeps-getting-better show for everyone in the middle. So come check it out. April 9th. April 9th. APRIL 9TH! Tickets at the Wilk info desk next week. Tell your friends.

so i'm just a little bitter...

So there was this one time I was in this comedy group... and it was cool because we were like a large group of eligible bachelors... with a couple of girls interspersed. It was fun, people would like us from afar, sometimes joke about wanting to go on dates with us, etc. We even had a funny, single, black guy.... I mean we were the cool kids.

Well it turns out that I was right. We were the cool kids... in fact everyone was so cool they got into a relationship. Like everyone. Except for me. And Garren. But even if you look at his facebook:!/profile.php?id=677207467 he is still a very attractive man.

At first there were a few marriages... and I was supportive. Then there were engagements, and I felt a little uneasy. Then there were other relationships, and I started getting bitter. And then there was straight up intra club relationships... and I was like, is that even allowed?

I used to think we were a big family.... but then i realized instead of being the Walton's we were more like Modern Family. With me and Garren ending up living together in an Honor Code appropriate way. Maybe we'll adopt an Asian baby.

I know, it's a pointless rant, but at least I got to be on the flyer.