Peter Kern - Biography

Peter Kern was born the day after Thanksgiving in suburban Massachussetts. He spent his childhood country-hopping through Europe before finally settling down with his family in Sandy, UT. Even though this is supposed to be a humorous biography that part is true. Six years in Belgium, one year in France, and two years in Germany. Adjusting to life in the States wasn't easy for Peter because in Europe, it is okay to kiss boys. Not like, on the lips or anything, but even so, that certainly didn't fly in Utah. I mean, talk about an uncultured bunch, its a sign of affection and friendship you homophobes! After overcoming the initial culture shock, Peter set himself to climbing the social ladder, one rung at a time. It took 6 long hard years but by ninth grade, he was on top of the world. Churchill Jr. High hasn't been the same since.

Peter enrolled in a local high school where he strove to forge out an identity. He started a dodge ball league with some associates that received media attention and caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits at Jordan School District. He was school mascot (The Bengal) for several games until his unique performance style caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits at Jordan School District. He was suspended once for kicking his high school librarian and yea, you guessed it, it caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits at Jordan School District. He was elected "Most Ahead of his Time" by himself but was outbid at the charity fund raising auction when bidding on a page in the yearbook and so no one else was ever aware of that. His popularity reached a peak two weeks before graduation when he was featured on the 5 O'clock channel 5 news about his upcoming performance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and later when he actually was featured on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, where he was the first person ever to compete on the recurring segment "Does This Impress Ed Asner?" Despite a controversy in the editing room, he is pretty sure Ed Asner was impressed with his signature double recorder playing. Upon returning, people who had once scorned and spurned Peter, mourned bitterly, as almost everyone pretended like they had some claim at being his friend.

At BYU Peter's career was no less distinguished. He won the highly prestigious Mr. DT competittion his freshman year and after a two year religion related hiatus in Montreal where he learned French and Spanish, was first runner up in the first ever Mr. BYU competition. He has walked to the State Capitol from Sandy in protest, has gone a week eating nothing but bananas, attempted to spend 24 hours in an elevator in protest of Deseret Tower's unfair treatment of blow-up castle users, which predictably caused quite a controversy among the bureaucratic, pencil pushing, straight-nosed suits in the Deseret Towers (you know who you are Jay Brown!). He was a paper-boy for 7 years, spent a summer working at Camp Tracy, another laying sod, another painting houses and working at Cold Stone Creamery, another telemarketing for CMS, another as a receptionist at Great Clips, he had a stint as a bagger/courtesy clerk at Dan's Foods, and was once a food server in the Morris Center. He is currently living off campus, studying French and Spanish as an undergraduate and working in the Math Department. He is the Math Club President, one of the newest members of HumorU and recently tied for first place in the very unprestigious Superbowl of Comedy.

Even though this is supposed to be a humorous biography, all of this has been true.