Rare Poem

Anonymous is a mystery to all of us. Very little is known of his (or her) origins or history. All that is known is that Anonymous is nothing short of the most brilliant poet in history. We were lucky enough to procure this poem when a good friend was rummaging through his sister’s old high school backpack. Through unknown means, these handwritten poems, written by Anonymous, made their way into her old English notebook. They are quite unlike any other poems written by Anonymous, but who are we to question one of the greatest writers ever.

Hey Megan
by Anonymous

Hey Megan,
What happened last weekend? I thought you and Eric were hitting it off.
Are you still mad about the conversation at Mcdonald’s last week? For the last time, we were both kidding.
Besides, it’s not like Tammy even knows [much] about soccer anyway. And you’re way more popular than she’ll ever be.
Hello!?! Fat thighs! Anyway, call me QT.
XOXO

Premises that never made it

Devan here. Let's start with the obvious how much I love you all. I have been doing stand-up comedy since 2007. What a ride it has been. For those of you who know me this should not be a surprise, there are some joke premises I have never been able to perform at BYU. My post here is going to list my favorite joke premises I either never developed or was not permitted to perform at BYU. Give me your feedback I would love to hear your favorites or how you think a premise should go. Who knows you may give me the inspiration to perform it in the next show. I am going through 4 years of notes here so these premises will be all over the place. Here you go...

-How I try to base my life around the Rocky movies. Want to propose at the zoo in front of the tigers.
-Wake up and forget I have a bellybutton, think its an injury
-How walking is America's favorite exercise... How lazy & pathetic
-Overweight nutrition teacher gave me a C?
-I would do anything for love, but I won't do crack.
-Only allergy is to allergy medicine
-I go to an exercise class that is 1/2 hour of abs, or marriage prep as I call it.
-How preventing gay marriage is actually preserving the gay culture.
-Think of most my jokes in the shower, which is why I hope I never go to prison.
- Learn to tap dance solely to one up people when I am losing an argument.
-Eienstein wasn't that smart, just didn't know how to take an insult, great job Eienstein...
-Favorite song to kiss to is the Jurassic Park theme song.
-Love it when they have foam soap in restrooms, washing hands was a good idea.
- Character, the infertile polygamist.
-Went to McDonalds in Mexico... All employee' s were white.
-Hugging the wrong mom as a kid.
-Character, the lavish Jew
-Character, heath conscious 4 year old.
-They should put more picnic benches in cemeteries.
-Wasted the money I was saving on Lasik eye surgery on an HDTV.
-Things Bob Barker taught me, (how he breeds purebred greyhounds)
- When Russians or Middle Easterns speak in their language then speak English with a British accent.
-Home schooled at a homeless shelter.

So there you go. If you are still reading I congratulate you and look forward to your comments.
Much love,
Devan Lavar Butler

Do You Ever Feel Like A Plastic Bag?

Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Please answer in the comments. We are conducting a focus group for Katy Perry's songwriters.

April Show

Hey everyone, Kyle Jepson here--ya know, one of the married people Josh was just ranting about. Anyway, this is my last semester at BYU (not because I got married: I'm graduating in about a month), so our show on April 9th will probably be my last. Ya see, we here at HumorU have had several long hearts-to-hearts, and we've decided that alumni should probably move on to make room for the up-and-coming BYU comedians. We had an open mic night last week, and it was pretty fantastic, so you should definitely come to this show: it'll be the last for some of us and a first for others and a rockin' awesome this-stuff-just-keeps-getting-better show for everyone in the middle. So come check it out. April 9th. April 9th. APRIL 9TH! Tickets at the Wilk info desk next week. Tell your friends.

so i'm just a little bitter...

So there was this one time I was in this comedy group... and it was cool because we were like a large group of eligible bachelors... with a couple of girls interspersed. It was fun, people would like us from afar, sometimes joke about wanting to go on dates with us, etc. We even had a funny, single, black guy.... I mean we were the cool kids.

Well it turns out that I was right. We were the cool kids... in fact everyone was so cool they got into a relationship. Like everyone. Except for me. And Garren. But even if you look at his facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=677207467 he is still a very attractive man.

At first there were a few marriages... and I was supportive. Then there were engagements, and I felt a little uneasy. Then there were other relationships, and I started getting bitter. And then there was straight up intra club relationships... and I was like, is that even allowed?


I used to think we were a big family.... but then i realized instead of being the Walton's we were more like Modern Family. With me and Garren ending up living together in an Honor Code appropriate way. Maybe we'll adopt an Asian baby.

I know, it's a pointless rant, but at least I got to be on the flyer.

Open-mic Instructions

READ EVERYTHING HERE FOR RULES, INSTRUCTIONS, AND TIPS FOR THIS EVENT:
Stand-up comedy is hard! But that is what makes it so exciting. If you have ever dreamed of doing it, or if your friends are encouraging you to, or if you are looking for a challenge, then you shoud perform at one of Humor U's Open-mics held four times a year.

If you perform at one of Humor U's Open-mics and you do really well, we will invite you to perform in... one of our "Green Spots" at our regular shows, and that could then result in being invited to be a full Humor U cast member. But Open-mic is the first step. Below are rules, instructions, and tips. If you are serious about doing stand-up comedy and you want to be a performer in Humor U - make sure to read everything here very carefully and then email us at humoru@byu.edu if you have any questions.

Rules:
1. You must be a BYU student, staff, alumni, or spouse of one of these to qualify to perform at Open-mic.
2. Your material/jokes must be clean and appropriate for family audiences. (if you don't know what is or isn't appropriate for family audiences, see "Bonus Tips" below)
3. You will not be allowed to use the tec podium for any multimedia. This means you can't project anything and that you can't play audio through the tec podium.
4. No one may assist you or be on stage with you during your performance. You must be completely solo.
5. Inappropriate language, actions, or subject matter will get you escorted off the stage immediately. Humor U may end your set at any time for any reason. (to avoid this from happening to you see "Bonus Tips" below).
6. All material must be original. Plagiarism will not be tolerated.

Instructions:
1. RSVP to this event.
2. Write a set. (see "Tips" below)
3. Arrive early to fill our an Information Sheet and get on the list to perform. If you don't arrive early enough you may not get the opportunity to perform.
4. Turn your fully completed Information Sheet in to get on the list.
5. When you name is called come to the stage immediately and begin your set - do not wait for a signal to begin.
6. Stop talking and sit down before the timer hits three minutes.

Tips:
1. Come to one of our shows (go to humoru.org for show dates and ticket info) or watch our YouTube clips to see how it's done: http://www.youtube.com/user/theofficialHumorU
2. Write a set.
3. Brace Yourself.
4. Ask a critical person for feedback on your set and make changes to improve your set.
5. Time your set and cut out as much as you need to to be under 3 minutes.
6. Rehearse your set in front of as many people as possible.
7. Ask the people you rehearsed in front of to give you critical feedback on your set.
8. Cut, replace, or rewrite anything from your set that isn't funny or that is a waste of time. If you go more than 20 seconds without getting a laugh - you have had a failure.
9. Repeat steps 4-8 as many times as you want, or until there isn't anything left in your set that isn't funny.
10. If you didn't repeat steps 4-8 until there wasn't anything unfunny left in your set - cut all the unfunny things from your set, even if it leaves you with less than 3 minutes.
11. If you are serious about becoming a Humor U comedian and want to impress us, don't include any jokes or material in your set that references anything specific about BYU or LDS culture.
12. Another thing if you are serious about impressing us, try to cover at least three different premises so that you can demonstrate your ability to write about different subjects.
12. If you want to hit it out of the park when you perform at Open-mic - come to one of our regular club meetings to check out the club and get a feel for how things work. If time permits in a club meeting you can perform material that you plan to use for an open-mic and we will give you feedback to help you polish it up. Club meetings are Wednesdays at 8:00pm in the MSRB.
13. Follow all instructions. If you don't follow all instructions here or additional instructions at the Open-mic we will be very unimpressed.

Bonus Tips:
Humor U does not keep a list or document of “Things You Can’t Say”. But here are some principles and guidelines that will help you to be successful.

Gospel principles are the foundation of successful joke writing and performances. Humor U shows are regularly attended by church leaders, university officials, and audience members of all ages.

Never offend. Never be crude, crass, vulgar, racist, bigoted, mean spirited, insulting, belittling, accusatory, etc. Anything inappropriate for a family audience has no place in Humor U. One sour note in a set can lose your trust with the audience that may spoil your performance beyond recovery. Self-censor first, and when it doubt – leave it out. If your material is questionable – write a better joke. There is an infinite amount of good jokes to be written, don’t waste time with the bad.

Never, in any way, say or suggest to the audience that they are unintelligent or prudish because they did not react the way you wanted them to. The burden of getting the audience to react favorably to your performance is entirely on you. You do not get to decide what is funny or entertaining; the audience holds that privilege exclusively. If you blame the audience for anything (any way, any time) they will turn on you. It is essential when writing jokes to imagine yourself as an average member of our audience in order to understand how they will react.

Humor U audiences are some of the most forgiving and gracious you will ever perform for. Never take advantage of this. Learn to tell the difference between an audience’s genuine laughter and awkward/uncomfortable responses.

Sacred things must never be made light of, although circumstances surrounding sacred things are different. General Authorities should always be referred to by their proper titles.

Derivatives of curse words should not be used. Words such as "crap" or "suck" should not be used, instead use higher language.

Subjects that generally are unworkable for joke material: sex, bowel movements, polygamy, cross-dressing, same gender attraction, and disabilities.

Internt Celebs Get Own Show

(the following article was written as part of a guerrilla marketing campaign to run in the Daily Universe, but their editorial board vetoed it because it sounded too real):

by Pete Kern and Matt Stringham

LOS ANGELES – The Fox network announced yesterday a new ground-breaking reality television show based on the lives of so-called internet celebrities. With one-time ratings juggernaut American Idol seeing its viewership decline in recent years (and with the departure of judge Simon Cowell from the show), Fox executives are hopeful that bringing already well-known YouTube video personalities to the television screen will help boost the network’s sagging numbers. Among those celebrities already announced for the as-yet untitled show are the double-rainbow dude, the Russian Trololo guy, and BYU student Stephen Jones, famous for his dead-on impression of Old Spice pitchman Isaiah Mustafa.

“It’s kind of a mix between ‘The Real World’ and ‘Last Comic Standing’ with a little bit of ‘Lost” thrown into the mix” said Bob Saget, the show’s host and executive producer. Saget is familiar with the fame that can come when obscure videos are given a wider audience, having hosted “America’s FunniestHome Videos” on ABC from 1989 to 1997.

The show will follow the celebrity as they live together in a sprawling Miami mansion while competing to make the next hit YouTube video. Each week the cast member whose video receives the lowest number of views will be sent home, with the winner receiving his or her own future reality show. Jones is the odds-on favorite to win the program but has tough competition from fellow cast members keyboard cat, Susan Boyle, and the woman who fell down while stomping grapes on a live news broadcast. The show already faces legal action from The Star Wars Kid, who claims producers purposely did not invite him to participate.